Running on Empty
by OnigiriReject
Summary: Kyle has to pay for his own insulin and winds up working with none other than Cartman. How will working in close quarters cause them to rethink their relationship, and each other? COLLAB between Soul Flash and Onigiri Reject. KyCart pairing.


Running On Empty

Summary: Kyle has to pay for his own insulin and winds up working with none other than Cartman. How will working in close quarters cause them to rethink their relationship, and each other?

Pairings: KyCart

Disclaimer: This is a collaboration fiction between Onigiri Reject and Soul Flash, yet is being posted on OR's account. Posting anywhere else without either author's consent is considered stealing and is a violation of our rights as authors. South Park and all characters belong to Matt Stone and Trey Parker.~

Authors: **Soul Flash** and **Onigiri Reject**

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Chapter One: Introduction

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There are some things.... that I just don't understand. No. I'm not really talking about why we're here, what our purpose is. Honestly, I could care less about that. I mean, yeah, it's a good thing to wonder, but I don't really worry myself over something as grand as that. I just accept it as it is. Because I'm already here; why should I ask why?

No, I have smaller things to wonder about. To run through my mind, process, and still not fully get. Maybe this is one of those apocalypse things. Like, maybe the world's going to end soon. Because I mean, really, something like this should have NEVER happened. Never. The chances of this even happening

are... gah. Just... I don't know.

...Oh! Hey. I guess you're wondering what in the hell I'm talking about. Well, it's not really that important, but... I guess I don't mind sharing. By the way, my name's Kyle. Kyle Broflovski. I live in South Park, Colorado, and I've had multiple adventures in my life (all very dangerous), but you don't really need all that information, do you? Well, if you do, I'll tell you most of it later. Really, it's not a whole lot. Mostly absurd adventures, and living in a town of stupid adults. Although I'm almost an adult myself. Just

two more years, and I'll be in the same boat as them. Of course, I don't plan on turning out like an idiot.

...Don't tell them I said that. I might get my license taken away or

something, courtesy of my mom. Don't get me started on that. Of course, I guess I could fill you in on a little bit concerning her. Considering that she's the very reason I'm basically questioning my sanity. At least, she's the source of it all.

Here's the thing. I'm diabetic. And I, of course, have to take insulin shots everyday in order to... well, basically stay alive. If I didn't take it everyday of my life, I would have a whole world of trouble. It's a very important thing.

So, I'm sixteen years old. I'll be turning eighteen in two years. Since I'll be a legal adult when I'm that age, my mom feels that I should start acting like I'm one early, just to be ahead of the game. So she told me last week that she's going to stop buying my insulin for me starting next month, and that I have to figure out a way to get money to pay for it myself.

...Yeah, I know. Not the most caring, sweet mother in the world. Really, she's a nice mom and all, but when it gets down to the warmth, love, and old-fashioned nurturing, she's anything but a mom. Sometimes she can be really cold if it involves something important. Though I suppose cold really isn't the right word. Try... blunt. Yeah, that's it. She's blunt about things. And she's like a drill sergeant when it comes to giving orders. But I guess I shouldn't really be complaining. This getting ahead thing will probably do me some good down the road.

Mothers always know best, right? Right. Insulin's fucking expensive. I had about three weeks to find a job, which is damned near impossible these days.

The economy is crap, and no one, not even fast food places, is hiring. No one.

You're starting to think that this is the point where I went and told my mom that I couldn't find anything to pay for my insulin, so she said it was okay, and went back to providing it for me, right?

Wrong. You don't know my mother, dude.

Thankfully, I got a call this past Saturday offering me a seasonal position at a coffee shop. Sure it's only temporary, but at least it'll get me some cash. You don't know how much I need this money. Seriously, it's priority one.

There's no gray area at all when it comes to this. And besides, maybe if I work hard enough, they'll keep me for part-time. I'll be good with that.

Though it won't be all that good. See, there's a little glitch in the whole thing that automatically makes everything go to hell. Something that throws the whole thing off kilter, and has me questioning why I even bothered to take this job offer in the first place, as badly as I need it.

My co-worker is Eric Cartman.

Eric Theodore Cartman. Manipulative, egotistic, self-centered, anti-Semitic, racist, bigoted, intolerant bastard. I could list a whole novel's worth of words to describe this guy, but I don't really want to waste your time with it. Seriously, if you met the guy you would understand. He's terrible. And he's someone that I don't want to work with. At all. Ever.

But I can't just turn down this job. It may be the only one I have offered to me. The only one I can get. I can't just give up and go running back to my mother because she won't do a damned thing about it; she'll just tell me that I was foolish to refuse the one job I got offered, and that's not the adult thing to do.

Besides... I still have my pride. I hate feeling weak and useless, and if I quit now I'm going to feel exactly that. There's no way that I'm going to shoot down my responsibilities in exchange for avoiding the one person I can't stand in the world. He can't really stand me, either, so maybe he'll leave me alone.

Though I can't imagine why in the world he would need to work as well.

Really, his reason can't possibly be as important as mine. He's probably just going to use the money to invest in things for his outrageous plans. Honestly, I could care less what his reason is. The point here is that he's working in the same vicinity as me, and my life is about to go to hell because of it.

Dammit. Well, no one ever promised that life would be easy, right? I'm just going to have to stick it out, and hope that he cracks before I do. If he gets sick enough of me before I do with him, maybe he'll quit and I'll actually have some peace. And if not, the job's only going to last about four months.

If I stick it out to the end, I'll have something on my resume, and I'll have a better chance of getting a job elsewhere. Away from him. I can make it until then. I'm tough enough for that. There's no way that I'm going to let this bastard ruin my chances of getting or keeping a job. My life is literally on the line for this. This time I can't let him win.

You can do this, Broflovski.

…

...It's going to be a long four months.

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I might seem like a douche. Actually, most people would tell you that yes indeed, I am in fact the biggest douche in the universe. Obviously, those people don't know me very well.

A douche is someone who just continually makes fun of everyone with no qualms. I do not pick on everyone-- I'm picky. And, I just do what I want, with others getting in the way usually. I like to do what I like to do, and there's no stopping that, so to everyone with a problem with that, you can suck my balls.

Despite what those assholes think, being me isn't exactly as easy as it seems. I mean, sure, I rip on practically everyone I can and always get a good laugh out of it, but I still don't always get the last laugh. Especially now. Especially with _him_.

That stupid fucking guidance counselor. Just because I convinced a bunch of middle schoolers that rubbing your dick with chili peppers makes their dicks bigger-- their fucking moms complained to the school and through the South Park public school grapevine, eventually, I was sitting face to face with my school's principal.

Thinking it was best to get me out of the hair of other people, and put me somewhere where they can keep an eye on me, I landed a job. How? By some stupid twist of events that would only happen in some dumb-ass Primetime movie, our guidance counselor is Ms. Tweak.

That's right—Tweek's aunt. Her sister and her sister's husband run the local coffee shop, Tweek's Coffee. Thinking that she was doing me a real favor, she got me a job working there. She said it was better than my alternatives.

So what if I skip school most of the time and slam kids into lockers and rip on Jews practically everyday?! It's none of their god damn business what I do. I do what I want!

Speaking of sneaky covetous _Jews_, this is where the real irony comes in. Guess who starts working at the same coffee shop two weeks after I start? Kahl. Kahl Broflovski. With his stupid red Jew-fro and green trapper hat and beady little Jew eyes, I can't help but always _want_ to make fun of him. He's asking for it.

Let me just describe this little Jew so you understand just how annoying he is. He argues with everything. Everything. He can't just blindly accept something as fact, he has to fucking question every little god damn thing I say and doesn't just let it slide. He constantly gets in the middle of my schemes so I can't have as much fun as I originally plan.

His mom too. His mom's a fucking cunt who puts herself as the head of every goddamn town meeting. She's fucking out to get me, thanks to the Jew being a whiny pussy and complaining about me to her. So I'm basically being attacked from two fronts.

I've actually skipped school quite a few times because I didn't want to see him. I just go smoke up by Stark's Pond and relax; sometimes even Kenny joins me, but he doesn't see exactly why Kahl is such a fucking pain.

I've tried to convince Butters as well that Kahl is an annoying little pussy, but he doesn't listen either.

"But K-Kyle seems nice," he said when I tried to talk to him about it. "He's always offering to help me with math and doesn't make fun of me… maybe you're just a little hard on him."

A little hard on him? ME? If anything, he's too fucking hard on me. He just fucking expects the entire world to be perfect, and if it's not, he has to yell at _me_ and attack _me_ for not being a goddamn saint. _He _needs a fucking reality check—I'm never changing for anyone. Ever. I do things for me and that's fucking it, no matter what he yells at me about or attacks me. He just needs to get the fuck out of my business, the nosy Jew-rat.

However, he's the most amusing toy I have ever come across. Just making him squirm uncomfortably and pissing him off… it's so much fun. However, I have better things to do these days instead of torment him, so I guess I've eased up, but if I see him outside of school, so be it.

And now—we're working together. Peachy keen. Fucking _perfect_.

I'm being forced to work here anyway, it's not like I'd actually want a job. My mom gets me whatever I want anyway, so why bother with my own money?

Serving coffee. Taking orders. Dealing with caffeine addicts and trying not to get in too much trouble, otherwise I might be kicked out of school... who knows? If Kyle's mom catches wind of all the shit I do, I might even be sent to JuV. Big fat kyke.

This job sounds like a goddamn _blast_.

Oh but this Jew… he will make working here ever so much more _fun_. He might fight it, but he knows one day he will bend to my will. Until then, I'll just do what I do best—provoke him until he snaps. Maybe I'll even get him fired. Maybe he'll cry. How great would that be. How absolutely _satisfying_ to my ego.

The little Jew has no idea what I'm capable of.

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Author's Note:

OR: OMG it's a collab. Who saw this one coming? Anyone? :D

It will pick up from here, this was just the set-up chapter. In the meantime I am finishing up finals at school so check my profile to see my updating status on other stories.

In case anyone is wondering: OR is Cartman, and Soul is Kyle. Go check her stuff out in case you haven't, she logged over 100k words in one story, something even I have yet to do.

Much love, and until next time, OR


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